prev
City of
Social Connection
next
|
|
||
|
prev |
City of
|
next |
|
Social Connection Social ConnectionAll AboutThere is a growing body of research showing the importance of having positive relationships in our lives. In fact, the kinds of relationships as well as the number of social relationships we have greatly contribute to our overall mental and physical health (see Keyes, 1998; Ryff, 1995). One of the keys to making and maintaining connections with others is the ability to develop and foster relationships. This ability is known as “interpersonal skills”. Like any kind of skill, interpersonal skills can be learned. That’s the good news! The bad news is that this is a skill set that is often taken for granted. It is true that some people seem to naturally be able to socialize with others in any kind of setting. These are the folks who tend to have lots of friends because people want to be around them. But for many of us, this seemingly easy and natural ability does not come quite so easily. Lots of people struggle to meet others or to deepen their connections with friends, even partners.
Social Relationships and HealthWhat we know for sure is that interpersonal skills are directly linked to our ability to make and keep relationships. What we are now finding out is that these social connections have a huge influence on both our physical and mental well-being. In one study (Cohen, Doyle, Skoner, Rabin, & Gwaltney, 1997) the number and diversity of social relationships was found to be important to one’s susceptibility to cold and flu. Of 276 participants in the study, those who had three or fewer types of relationships (i.e., spouse, parents in-law, children, other close family members, close neighbours, friends, workmates, schoolmates, fellow volunteers, religious and non-religious group affiliations) were 4x more likely to catch a cold than were persons with six or more relationships! They tested this by injecting all participants with rhinoviruses that cause cold and flu symptoms. There are also many studies that show that social isolation (i.e., not having social relationships) is a significant health risk factor. In fact, the negative health risks of social isolation is comparable to the health risks of smoking, having high blood pressure, being obese, or not getting enough physical activity. (To read more about the studies that looked at the impact of social isolation on health see Kiecolt-Glaser, McGuire, Robles, and Glaser, 2002; Bowling & Grundy, 1998). Finding Your BearingsThere are six main interpersonal skills that are necessary to developing supportive and healthy relationships. They are:
The first two, finding supportive relationships and giving support, are explained further here in the City of Social Connection. You must travel a little further into the Springs of Emotional Expression to learn more about self-disclosure and emotional expression. Since conflicts can arise in any relationships, you may find it useful to venture into the Forest of Conflict to learn about how to handle relationship tension and trouble. Be careful to not get lost and tangled-up in the forest though – there’s some good information on Forgiveness, Spirituality, and Meaning on the other side. ResourcesReferencesBowling, A. & Grundy, E. (1999). The association between social networks and mortality in later life. Reviews in Clinical Gerontology, 8, 353 – 361. Cohen, S., Doyle, W. J., Skoner, D. P., Rabin, B. S., & Gwaltney, J. M. (1997). Social ties and susceptibility to the common cold. Journal of the American Medical Association, 25, 1940 – 1944. Keyes, C. L. M. & Waterman, M. B. (2003). Dimensions of well-being and mental health in adulthood. In Bornstein, M. H., Keyes, C. L. M., and Moore, K. A., Well-being: Positive development across the life course. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K., McGuire, L., Robles, T. F., and Glaser, R. (2002). Emotions, morbidity, and mortality: New perspectives from psychoneuroimmunology. Annual Review of Psychology, 53, 83 – 107. Ryff, C. D. & Keyes, C.L.M. (1995). The structure of psychological well-being revisited. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 69, 719 – 727. Spitzberg, B. H., & Cupach, W. R. (2002). Interpersonal skills. In Knapp, M. L. & Daly, J. A. (2002), Handbook of interpersonal communication. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage publications. Finding Supportive RelationshipsAll About
Did you know that people who have at least a few social supports have even been found to live longer than persons who don’t have any meaningful relationships? Although the particular types and number of relationships varied in the studies, the bottom line is that having even one person to talk to and to share our joys, sorrows, and other stress with, can be extremely beneficial to well-being. Self-AssessmentFinding Support Worksheet — evaluate how you have met people in the past How To'sFinding and Initiating RelationshipsSometimes, especially when we are lonely or feeling down, we tend to lose sight of how and where to find relationships. And, when you’re feeling that way, just meeting people takes a lot of energy, and then developing relationships may seem like too much effort. But the effort is worth it! Social isolation leads to feelings of loneliness and depression. Depression may lead to believing that you are unable to get yourself out into the world, which then leads to continued isolation and feelings of loneliness. This can become a vicious cycle. The most important thing to remember is that in order to find relationships we need to put ourselves in social situations! Staying home and watching TV by ourselves does NOT give us any opportunity to meet people. Meeting people does take effort. And the effort is worth it! So, where to begin… Where to look for supportive relationships?
Workplaces are often good places to find friendship and support. This is because we spend a lot of time with coworkers and usually we have many things in common with them, like the experience of working in the same place, the educational requirements, and so on. It is true though, that friendships with people from our workplaces can sometimes be risky and challenging depending on things like the level of workplace competition. Also, in order to find friends at work, you need to have a job that puts you in touch with others. So, it’s not a potential source of support if you don’t have a job, or if you work by yourself. Involvement in groups is another source for finding support. Belonging to a religious group or congregation has long been known to be a powerful source of support and friendships. Similarly, participation in a social, political, or recreational group can be a strong source of friendships. It is common interest that brings people together. Please be aware though, that you usually need to give these activities a chance by attending a few meetings before people become comfortable and secure with you (and you with them). With that said though, people are often more relaxed and talkative when they are participating in leisure activities that they like or that they have some knowledge about…and, as noted, showing up for such an activity guarantees that you will have at least one common interest. There is also research that says that volunteering can be a strong source of support. Volunteering has the added benefit of giving you an opportunity to get a sense of satisfaction from contributing to the well-being of people in your community (this also is an important factor related to well-being as you will soon see). Why not maximize your chances for finding support by putting yourself in places where others are likely to be helping and caring people (i.e., among other volunteers). Similarly, there are a variety of support groups in almost every city that encourage us, in a safe atmosphere, and help us share our feelings, concerns, and even laughter about whatever problem or concern we may be facing. These groups can often be found in the community events sections of various newspapers, or sometimes lists of these organizations can be found in your nearest public library. Sometimes, we tend to ignore the most obvious and most accessible sources of potential support such as our families, children, and neighbours. Obviously, family relationships are already in place so we don’t need to start from scratch. Working on existing relationships, to deepen the bond and build on the relationship may be the best way to increase the support in our lives. And neighbours can make great friends. Making an effort to say hi to your neighbour or to lend a helping hand can result in the burgeoning of a mutual friendship…we can’t build friendships if we don’t take the first initial and courageous step to initiate an interaction with someone though. This may also be somewhat surprising, but there is evidence that pets can provide a fair amount of support, especially for people who find themselves in remote or secluded situations. No matter how tough your day may have been, people can usually count on an accepting two or four-legged animal to provide them with comfort. Are you connected? Research on internet interactions has shown that the internet can be another useful source of social support. The internet is attracting the attention of psychological researchers, and being that this appears to be another promising source of support, it is discussed further in the following section. A Relatively New Source of Social Support: Cyber-SupportInternet relationships are a relatively new phenomenon, but many people seem to be finding friendship and support on-line. Although there is considerable debate surrounding the effects of the internet on the types and quality of on-line relationships, it is certain that the internet is playing a significant role in many people’s social lives. There is a fair amount of research that tells us the internet is very successful as a provider of social support; some authors have gone as far as to call it “fabulously successful” (Walther & Parks, 2002). It is especially beneficial for people who are suffering from particular illnesses or stressful events.
The internet has been found to be successful in providing support for the following reasons:
Surfer Beware!Like any other interaction, there is potential for deception or misleading presentations in internet communications. You should do everything that you can to verify that the support group that you seek out is reputable and authentic. If you have any doubts, don’t continue to engage in the conversation, and seek out new connections instead. The following website is a useful one for alerting you to the other social and security risks associated with internet usage: www.netsafe.org.nz/adults/adults_default.aspx. One important hazard to avoid in internet interactions is to ensure that your time and use of it does not hurt or take away from your already-established in-person relationships. It is not worth it to lose closer relationships over your communication with someone you may never meet in person. Conversation Starters and First Impressions: Simple but Tricky
For some of us, one of the most difficult things in meeting people is knowing what to say. Having the courage and confidence, and tact/skill to introduce ourselves or to begin a conversation is the first step in making a connection. This can be a real stumbling block for people. Below are some common types of initial interactions that people have. It can be difficult and awkward to know what to say, but sometimes we just have to take a chance.
Did you know that there have been estimates that as many as 30% of Americans consider themselves shy and anxious in social situations (e.g., Pilkonis, Heape, and Klein, 1980 as cited in Daly, 2002)? If you have considerable difficulty in initiating interactions you may also want to consider seeing a counsellor or psychologist for support and guidance. There are established techniques and interventions that are effective for helping people with social anxiety and excessive shyness. Remember that it’s not easy to develop new relationships. We may meet many new people, before we find someone that might be a friend. And friendships take time to grow. Try to go into meeting new people with an expectation that you’ll need to meet several people before you find someone that you’d like to go for coffee with, and they would like to go for coffee with you! This type of attitude can help us to take the pressure off ourselves, and allow us more freedom to enjoy meeting new people. Connections Worksheet — think through where to start in making connections ResourcesReferencesDaly, J. A. (2002). Personality and interpersonal communication. In Knapp, M. L. & Daly, J. A. (2002), Handbook of interpersonal communication. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage publications. Walther, J. B., & Parks, M. R. (2002). Cues Filtered Out, Cues Filtered In: Computer-mediated communication and relationships. In Knapp, M. L., & Daly, J. A., Handbook of interpersonal communication. Thousand Oaks, CA : Sage Publications. Providing SupportAll About
Just as having support in our lives plays a big role in our overall well-being, giving support to others is equally as important. This is because giving others support or being considered supportive in our relationships, is crucial to the maintenance of those relationships. And we know that having healthy social relationships is extremely important to our physical and mental health. The question is, “What does it mean to provide support and how do we do that?” There are number of types or ways of providing support have been identified. These are described below, with examples to give you a better idea of how to go about it. Network SupportThis means taking steps to help others feel connected or like they belong. For example:
Esteem-boosting SupportWe all need to feel good about ourselves. Providing reassurance of worth is making it clear that you like someone and think they are important. For example:
Information Based SupportSupport can also be given in the form of providing information and advice when it is appropriate to do so. For example:
Tangible SupportAnother source of giving support is through providing tangible support. That means offering money, or some other kind of physical or material help. For example:
Emotional SupportEmotional support involves making expressions of care, concern, and sympathy. And the key to providing emotional support is…being available to LISTEN For example:
Emotional support has been identified as the most helpful and important kind of support you can give to others. It is also the most challenging type of support you can offer! Deciding what to do to be emotionally supportive can be difficult to determine and it sometimes feel awkward, especially if we don’t have a lot of practice at it. Listed below in the How To’s section are some ways of providing emotional support that you may find helpful. How To'sThe following three boxes are guidelines for what to do and what not to do when providing emotional support.
Feelings sometimes don’t make sense but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have them. You may think that feeling hurt about the situation your friend is telling you about seems weird. And maybe if the shoe was on the other foot, you wouldn’t react the same way. But the point in providing emotional support is to listen to what the other person is telling you, not to judge them for the feelings they have or to tell them they shouldn’t feel that way. Essentially, your job is to listen, and to try to understand what is happening for that person. In the next “Self-assessment” section you’ll have an opportunity to explore a common situation where emotional support could definitely be useful. This is likely a situation that most of us have had some experience with. Self-AssessmentExercise#1: Love Lost — Identify the level of support a response provides Exercise #2: Being in a Supporting Role — How do you support others? More How To'sIf emotional support is something that you struggle to give, practise may be very important! Many of us, particularly men, have been socialized to give tangible support (loan of a tool or a cup of sugar) or information based support (you’ll need to put some air in that tire), but not to give emotional support. Just saying the words, “How do you feel about that?” can seem scary to say aloud. You can start by doing some role plays in your head, and visualize yourself supporting someone emotionally. Then try it out with a friend or a partner during a low stress situation (how are you feeling about your new job?). As you practise the skill in more low key situations, you’ll become more comfortable with it, and be able to use it during tougher conversations as well. It is also possible that you are quite good at giving emotional support, but have a friend or partner that has trouble receiving that type of support. Have a look at the different types of support described in this section. Is there another type of support that they could receive? How could you offer it? ResourcesReferencesBurleson, B. R., & MacGeorge, E. L. (2002). Supportive communication. In Knapp, M. L. & Daly, J. A. (2002), Handbook of interpersonal communication. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage publications. Spitzberg, B. H., & Cupach, W. R. (2002). Interpersonal skills. In Knapp, M. L. & Daly, J. A. (2002), Handbook of interpersonal communication. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage publications.
|